Book with gold award       EXCERPT FROM “CHRONICLES”

(Journals of a young girl suffering from BPD written by mother, Pat Engebrecht)

See web page:

         Chapter Twenty-seven,  page 168


And so the years slipped by.  We had wonderful, normal moments in all the struggle–the changing of medications, doctors, diagnosis, institutions.  You were valiant in your determination:  working with L&L, at Wegmans, teaching tennis.  Your questions went unanswered as you suffered.

“Sometimes I feel that whatever seems to be ailing me is as terminal as seriously malignant cancer.  But when a cancer patient dies after years of pain, struggle, chemotherapy and whatever else, they get a gold star for their valiant efforts.



“Here I’ve been struggling for 8 years nearly, had my own pains, emotional and physical, been in intense therapy and to special hospitals but if this kills me (meaningimage001 I give in and kill myself) there will be far from “gold” stars.  It will be anger, hate, disappointment.  I will have “failed” in everyone’s eyes except perhaps Bernie and Char.  Hell!  I don’t expect sympathy or three cheers, but I hardly deserve condemnation for my efforts.  Whatever the outcome I gave my all.  Isn’t that worth something, world…God?  Isn’t it?!  Please…



  • By al kuhn, August 15, 2016 @ 10:06 AM

    LJ was so intelligent, so courageous, with many talents. She has three gold stars in my heart. Char, now gone,felt the same as I do, that her illness eventually overpowered her, like a terminal cancer.

  • By Pat Engebrecht, August 20, 2016 @ 10:22 PM

    Thanks, Al. The stigma of her illness weighed heavy, especially when a “doctor” “…treated only people who were trying to live…” Char helped her through some very rough times. Terminal? I guess we all are but most do not suffer the pain she did…explained by one doctor that it was like slamming your hand in the car door for ‘relief’. Hard to fathom.

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